Journal entry June 30th
This mother business. I love it, quite truthfully. I have never felt so fulfilled and complete in my entire life. The unconditional love you receive from a child as its mother, cannot be put into words. If I had known what this feeling was before having a baby and not being able to bring one into this world, I would never have known a worse heartache. Looking back at those times, those feelings are magnified times ten. This is not all it cracked up to be because there is no way to explain. No guide to follow. No user-guide to this life you are now supporting. It is, in a word, scary. But amazingly rewarding.
As I lay in bed last night looking down upon my angel babies face, panic struck. Do all mothers feel this? This sudden panic that you will lose this? She’s not mine. Not yet. In all other ways, yes, but in the legal way, no. And that’s the one that counts, right? From the light of the T.V. I can see her blue eyes watching me. She is smiling at me for no particular reason, just because I am her mother. And, OH, what a beautiful smile! She melts my heart. I scramble to my knees wanting to thank my heavenly father for this blessing and beg him to never take it away. I can now sleep having poured out my heart in a way no-one else would understand.
I am so afraid of saying that I am afraid. I don’t want to voice my fears because it gives them power. I need to talk to someone. I can’t talk to my husband, not because he won’t understand or listen, but because I don’t want to wake his own fears. Who will understand?
I call my sister the next day to vent. I need to say this out loud. It’s driving me crazy and I can’t carry this burden. After I attempt to tell her what I am feeling, there is silence, for just a second, but still … silence. She doesn’t understand. Then comes the uncomfortable laugh. She doesn’t know what to tell me. I don’t blame her. She’s never been in this position. How can she possibly understand what I am talking about? She can be compassionate, understanding, and supportive. But that’s it, and I need more right now. I need answers for this feeling. I need recognition from someone who has felt this exact same way. I call my social worker to get resources and people to network with.
For today, I have done all I can. I keep moving forward taking each day one at a time. I have known so many blessings in my life. My child being the greatest blessing, heart-ache, and love I have ever felt.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
You are so not alone! Although your fears are your own and I can't understand them personally, I know what you are talking about. And honestly I think you are much braver than I am because you put a voice to them. I choose to suppress them...ignore them...When it threatens to overwhelm me, I hide it deep inside. I say a 3 word prayer, "Please God No." and then I move on with my day. Good luck and you will be in my prayers.
Seeing you 2 with her at the reunion, you could see that you truly love her and she is where she is suppossed to be. She is truly yours. We will keep you in our prayers until the big day!
Post a Comment